Are You Listening?
Someone recently listened to me in a way that felt new. There was no interference – from their own thoughts, to another device, to social media. There was no interrupting as I spoke. Come to think of it, the last few times I’ve spoken with this person over the phone, I haven’t heard any tapping on the keyboard in the background or car beeps and I’ve never been put on speaker phone. I felt like this person was totally devoted to listening – to me.
Listen to others – carefully and with purpose.
When was the last time you actually listened without thinking about what you wanted to say WHILE the person was talking?
I realized that we are all so quick to answer a quandary with an anecdote or one of our own life stories. “Hurry up and speak.” We would rather be speaking than listening carefully. But those who may be perceived as more quiet are actively listening and are quite the opposite from the passive label to which they are assigned.
“It is only by listening that we engage, understand, empathize, cooperate and develop as human beings,” writes Kate Murphy in her recent article, “Talk less. Listen more. Here’s How” for the New York Times.
I recommend trying to listen more in your local surroundings first. Learn to appreciate silence, then learn to appreciate the other noises you might hear outside. A cricket chirping. the movement of a tree branch in a light breeze, the hum of the fridge or the rhythmic patter of your feet on the pavement.
We’ve really let technology win. Nowadays, it feels almost intrusive to call someone. We would much rather opt for a text or an email. So, in addition to losing good writing habits, we are losing another form of expression: listening. The truth is, good listeners ask good questions. Make an honest attempt to get to know the person you are talking to – and your questions should have nothing to do with filing that person in to some sort of social hierarchy. Be device-free as much as you can.
Remember, listen carefully. I guarantee you’ll feel more connected.
When having a conversation...
1. be engaged
2. avoid the distraction of your phone
3. ask good questions